Living with PDA as an Adult Woman: Navigating Life at Your Own Pace

If you’ve ever felt like the world is constantly demanding things from you—things that seem

easy for everyone else but completely overwhelming for you—you’re not alone. Maybe you

been called lazy, flaky, or too sensitive. Maybe you’ve wondered why you can’t just do the thing, even when you want to. If that sounds familiar, you might be living with something called Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), which is also known as “Pervasive Drive for

Autonomy.”

For women with PDA, everyday tasks like responding to emails, attending meetings, or even

cooking dinner can trigger a strong fight-or-flight response. These tasks might feel like non-

negotiable “demands” rather than neutral parts of daily life. The result is often procrastination, avoidance, and feelings of guilt or shame when you can & meet expectations—whether imposed by others or yourself.

PDA in Women Often Goes Unseen

You might have been the rule-follower, the overachiever, the one who always did what was

expected—until you couldn’t anymore. You may have spent years masking your struggles,

pushing through anxiety, and meeting everyone’s expectations while secretly burning out inside.

PDA is a profile on the autism spectrum that’s often overlooked in women. It’s marked by an

intense, anxiety-based need to avoid demands—even simple ones, and even when they come from yourself. Because so many women with PDA are skilled at masking, you might go

undiagnosed or misunderstood for years. But discovering PDA can be a powerful turning point to understanding how you need to approach tasks differently.

What PDA Feels Like

Some days you can get things done with no problem. Other days, brushing your teeth, replying to a message, or making a phone call feels like climbing a mountain. You might feel panicked, frozen, or like your brain just refuses to cooperate—and then beat yourself up for it. From the outside, people might think you’re procrastinating. But deep down, you know it’s not that simple. That avoidance? It’s not defiance. It’s your nervous system crying out for safety and control.

Navigating Relationships

Explaining PDA to others can be tough. You may cancel plans last minute or shut down under pressure, and it’s hard to make people understand it’s not about being unreliable. You just need to do things on your terms. Your need for autonomy doesn’t mean you don’t care—it means you care deeply, but you need space, flexibility, and understanding to show up as your best self. And you deserve relationships where your needs are respected.

Learning to Work With Your Brain

One of the most healing shifts is realizing you don’t need to fight yourself anymore. You can

stop trying to fit into systems that weren’t made for you—and start building a life that supports how your brain works.

Maybe that means turning chores into a game, using music to ease into tasks, or giving yourself permission to not do something today. You might start using short timers to break the avoidance cycle or asking for help without guilt. Over time, you’ll learn what works for you. And it will get easier. You are not broken. You’re just wired differently. And that’s okay.

Coping Tools That Can Help

Here are a few things you might find helpful if you’re living with PDA:

• Low-demand planning – Keep your to-do list short and flexible. One or two tasks is

more than enough.

• Give yourself options – Offering yourself choices can ease the pressure. “Do I want to

shower now or later?” works better than “I have to shower.”

• Use music or timers – A 10-minute timer with your favorite playlist can work wonders.

• Try body doubling – Doing tasks alongside someone else, even virtually, can help

reduce demand anxiety.

• Let yourself rest—guilt-free – You don’t have to earn rest. It’s a basic need, especially

for your nervous system.

• Script tricky conversations – Writing things out in advance can help you express your

needs with more confidence, especially when it comes to setting boundaries.

• Reframe “bad days” – If you struggled, it’s not a failure. It’s a sign you needed more

support, not more discipline. If you had a tough morning, you can try again in the

afternoon. If your afternoon was hard, you get a fresh start in the evening.

Resources You Might Find Useful

• PDA Society (UK)

A fantastic resource filled with information, strategies, and real stories.

• “Being Julia” by Ruth Fidler and Julia Daunt- a memoir with the author’s personal

account of living and growing up with PDA.

• “PDA by PDAers” by Sally Cat

A validating, relatable book written by people with PDA. Insightful and often hilarious.

• Neurodivergent creators – Check out accounts like @neurodivergent_lou,

@the_pdaspace, or @autistic_at_40, and others on social media. Hearing from others

who get it can be incredibly affirming.

• Neurodiversity-affirming therapists

Therapy can be amazing—if your therapist understands PDA and autism in adults. Look

for someone who supports neurodivergent clients with compassion and flexibility.

You Are Not Alone

If you see yourself in this, know this: you're not lazy, or dramatic, or difficult. You’re someone living with a nervous system that’s sensitive to pressure and deeply driven by a need for

autonomy. And there’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t have to do things the “normal” way. You just have to do them your way. And that is absolutely enough.